12.17.10

1) Dallas Mavericks’ Owner Mark Cuban Criticizes New Jersey Nets’ Owner Mikhail Prokhorov for His Hands-off Management Style

Something tells us Prokhorov will be pretty hands-on if he decides Cuban needs to take a permanent nap in Gorky Park.

2) Record Crowd of 113,411 Watches Michigan Play Michigan State in Ice Hockey

Of course, the game was still beaten in the TV ratings by a ‘Golden Girls’ rerun.

3) In Giant Metaphor News, the Roof Caved in at the Metrodome in Minneapolis

In smaller metaphor news, Jets season tripped up when trainer Sal Alosi sticks foot into game.

4) Los Angeles Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Heckles Clippers Guard Baron Davis

Not exactly baiting the free agent hook with the good stuff, Don.

5) Stuart Appleby Named PGA’s Comeback Player of the Year

Translation: If Tiger doesn’t start winning again soon the PGA is going to go broke.

6) Bengals WR Terrell Owens Blames Lousy Season on Coaches.

Is Carson Palmer coaching now?

7) Philadelphia Eagles QB Michael Vick Says He’d Like to Own a Dog Someday.

…and now we’ve officially hit the point in the comeback tour where Mike needs to stop talking to the press.

8) Miami Heat Wins 10th Game in a Row

It’s December.  Relax, everyone.

9) Minnesota Vikings Put Mediocre Quarterback on IR

But enough about Tavares Jackson.  What’s up with Brett?

10) Aging, Struggling, Overpaid Veteran QB Donovan McNabb Benched Again

This is about the time when he would sign with the Washington Redskins, if he didn’t already play for them.

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12.03.10

1) Angelina Jolie refuses to celebrate Thanksgiving, calling it a “story of murder”

Look, Angie, Detroit invented the Thanksgiving game and they should keep it, no matter how much the Lions suck.

2) Spygate II: Denver Broncos coach Josh McDaniels busted for video-taping opponents

“At least when we were taping we actually won our games,” remarked Bill Belichick.

3) FIFA awards World Cup to Russia in 2018 and Qatar in 2022

(No joke is required)

4) Axl Rose sues Guitar Hero for $20mm for including a picture of Slash in game

GNR fans everywhere were really hoping to play guitar on “Welcome to the Jungle” wearing a virtual KFC bucket.

5) Yankees playing hardball with living legend Derek Jeter during contract negotiations

More proof that mental illness is hereditary. Go little Steinbrenners!

6) Stan Van Gundy called Phil Jackson’s comments about Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra “ignorant”

Meanwhile, Jeff Van Gundy quietly updated his resume and e-mailed it to Pat Riley.

7) Willie Nelson busted for having six ounces of marijuana on his tour bus

Let’s hope they got to him before this turns into a habit.

8) Jon Gruden says he’s happy at ESPN, won’t coach at University of Miami

He then proceeded to compliment the players and ownership of all 32 NFL organizations.

9) Vince Young texts apology to Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher

That was a good idea. Nothing ever goes wrong when athletes start sending text messages.

10) Will Smith charged with domestic assault

No, not that Will Smith, the Will Smith of the New Orleans Saints. We’d put our money on Jada Pinkett over the Fresh Prince anyway.

11) NCAA rules that Auburn’s Cam Newton is eligible to play

Cecil Newton is currently accepting bids for exclusive pictures of Cam’s celebration party.

12) Random guy suing former NBA star Antoine Walker for $5,000,000 for stealing fiancée

Bad news, random guy, ‘Toine is about $5,000,000 short right now.

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11.19.10

1) Justin Morneau upset that Twins won’t move in fences to make it easier to hit home runs
Apparently his HGH shipment from Jose Guillen was delayed.

2) Eva Longoria divorcing San Antonio Spur Tony Parker due to ‘irreconcilable differences’
Translation: ‘irreconcilable differences’ is French for ‘sexting with Brent Barry’s wife’.

3) LeBron James takes back complaint about playing too many minutes
Boy, that Maverick Carter sure knows how to work the ol’ PR magic.

4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers rookie Mike Williams busted for DUI even though he only blew a .06
It’s Florida. Doesn’t everyone weave all over the road while driving a Cadillac?

5) Sarah Palin slams American Idol for “talent deprived” contestants
Uh, Sarah, have you seen your daughter dance lately?

6) Johnny Rotten writes article congratulating Prince William on his engagement
That settles it once and for all – punk really is dead.

7) Expanded MLB playoffs appear inevitable
“Our mission to destroy the pennant races is nearly complete,” said Commissioner Selig

8) Portland Trail Blazers C Greg Oden to miss yet another season due to glass knees
Somewhere, Sam Bowie quietly enjoys a moment of schadenfreude.

9) Felix Hernandez wins Cy Young award with 13-12 record
We guess that’s good news for any C students hoping to make valedictorian.

10) Phoenix Suns PG Steve Nash divorces wife one day after child is born
And then he sits out game with a groin injury. Looks like she didn’t take the news so well.

11) Black Eyed Peas to play Super Bowl halftime in 2011
We officially take back every bad thing we said about last year’s Who performance.

12) Babe Ruth ball sells for more than $260K and Kirk Gibson bat sells for more than $500K
From this we can guess that baseball fans are either really rich or really stupid.

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11.11.10

1) Jon Miller and Joe Morgan fired from Sunday Night Baseball after 21 years

But now who will tell us that the team with more runs wins?

2) Dirk Nowitzki trades in his trademark long blond locks for a buzz cut

This means that Pau Gasol is now the undisputed king of greasy European long hair basketball players.

3) Auburn QB Cam Newton accused of academic cheating while attending Florida

Academic cheating is, of course, a euphemism for “student athlete” in Gainesville.

4) Court orders boxer Floyd Mayweather, Jr. to stay away from his sons

Is it really necessary to tell a professional athlete to ignore his children?

5) Indiana Pacers put up 144 points to humiliate Denver Nuggets

Well, if that doesn’t convince Melo to stay, nothing will.

6) Keith Richards gets mad, hits Swedish journalist in head during interview

Fake Bill Wyman wasn’t available to make up a response on behalf of Mick Jagger.

7) NHL All-Star Captains to choose teams schoolyard style this year

Last guy picked gets a Canadian Hanging Wedgie!

8) Katherine Jackson says that Joe Jackson not turning MJ’s kids into singing act

He will still beat them with a belt, though. Old habits die hard.

9) Chicago Bears legend Jim McMahon involved in concussion study

Come to think of it, last time we saw him he was shuffling.

10) Kanye West apologizes to George W. Bush on the Today Show for saying that he doesn’t care about black people.

The ever-in-touch GWB reacted to the apology by repeatedly referring to him as ‘Conway’. War crimes aside, that guy is comedy gold.

11) New York Yankee SS Derek Jeter inexplicably wins gold glove award for 5^th time

We tried to call him for a comment but he couldn’t reach the phone in time.

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